It has now been nearly two months since I dropped the basket of wet washing, closed the door on a mega mess of toys on the floor and wiped thrown pureed apple off my shoulder to head back to the world of the working.
Its just a two day a week gig, but in an area I am interested. Just admin stuff but with lots of responsibility and perhaps scope for project work. Plus they let me update their website and Facebook sites to my little heart's content.
I am loving my little security pass and the fact I get to go make a hot coffee in the tea room. I have collegues to talk to and a real sense of accomplishment when I achieve a task, something more respected than finishing the laundry in record time or stacking my Tupperware!
This could have been one of the only jobs I would have let take me away from home, but it has not all been fun.
Annie did not like being left at daycare. She would cry and reach for me as I grabbed my keys and headed for the door. Everything about walking away from her was wrong, and I felt absolutely sick to my stomach. I would cry as I drove, determined that "this is it, I am quitting and going home with my baby".
Alas we needed the money and once I was at work, I'd enjoy myself, but inevitably feel guilty for doing so. The daycare would always say that once I had left she had a good day, but I wasn't there so didn't really know. There was a lot I didn't know now about my little girl. What did she play with? Who were her friends? How did they put her to sleep when I still have to breastfeed her snuggled in my bed?
I hated that we were apart, and hated that I missed so many hours and hated that I really did need to work. I haven't posted on my work until now as I really was in such a battle with myself everyday about being away from Annie.
Just yesterday though, I dropped Annie off and she didn't cry. In fact she was so busy drawing she barely looked up as I left. She had things to do, and they didn't include me. I was so amazed at her willingness to just get on with it, but of course felt that tug of guilt and pain; "she doesn't need me!"
I think overall daycare will be good for her. She gets to socialise with other little people and learn things she may not have otherwise. She will understand that other people are ok too, and Mummy doesn't always have to be there. Her independence is already growing, though she always was such a curious and adventurous spirit.
Our time together is even more valued, something I didn't think possible, but just two days apart makes me stop cleaning or cooking and play a game with her. I've realised that the housework will wait (at least until nap-time) and reading a story together is much more fun!